Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Michelle Whatever

I’ve seen some weird things, but nothing weirder than a woman watching Hentai at 3 in the afternoon, on a Friday, with her children.

I saw her through the porch window. I was simply delivering the latest issue of Mother Jones Magazine, the one that critiqued Fiji Water. I thought “What an unusual family”.

She invited me in for a drink. What I thought were her children were just lifeguard manikins she stole from a local pool and dressed up in hand-me-down Metallica T-shirts. All of the manikins had lipstick smeared on their lips to give a more realistic sensation when she masturbated with them.

Next, after I had a few drinks, she gave me a handjob using simply her hand, no lube. It was extremely bleak, and I felt part of my soul jump out of my dick once I came. Like, my soul had been waiting for a chance to escape, and getting ejaculated was the only way to do it. The ejaculate was a ghostly remnant of all that had been good inside me, now forever staining a ‘Master of Puppets’ T-shirt. We smoked weed out of a discarded Snapple can later. Once we finished smoking, we ate some leftover Chinese food with marshmallows.

I’m a woman and I’ve been dead for five years.



Michelle Whatever doesn’t need your approval. She already has it.

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