Gangsta in King Arthur's Court

by Mao Zhe Bong

Merlin: Aw, shit, brother! Pull that shit out of that big-ass rock! Yank that chain like you own it, for shizzle!

(Arthur lets go of the sword and turns around his flat-brimmed Yankee's hat. He spits on his hands and rubs them together, before reaching back to the sword. Sir Pimp-a-lot and his crew are jeering and throwing up 'signs'.)

Sir Pimps-a-lot: Yeah, that's how Gwendolyn was handling my sword last night! (Gwendolyn shoves Sir P, his crew 'high-fives') Why don't you go back to the stables and shovel some more manure, farm boy?



Arthur: You were straight tripping yesterday at the jousting, and you're straight tripping today, Pimps. When I get this blinged-out-shit out of this rock, you'll be rapping a different tune, brother!

“Tony, I'm going to be honest with you, because I respect you.”
Tony leaned forward eagerly in his chair, his eyes open wide behind his glasses. Peterson, sitting behind his desk, winced before he began to speak.
“Your script is really, really groundbreaking. I know you can write good stuff Tony, but this is really a cut above”
Tony's mouth hung open, unable to respond. He tried to compose himself, but a huge grin devoured his face, and laughed aloud as he spoke.
“Listen, Jonah, listen, you've gotta keep reading! It gets better!”

Sir Pimps-a-lot: C'mon Arthur, who you think you fooling? You ain't no king, you just a poser!

Merlin: Aw, shit, Pimps-a-lot! You think you so gangsta! Let's see how gangsta you are when I cast some crazy-ass spells on your ass!

Tony half-raises his hand before speaking, as if asking a question.
“As a side note, I had Chris Rock in mind when I was writing for Merlin.”
Peterson adjusts his reading glasses without looking up from the script, and reaches for his bottle of Perier. Tony continues.
“Or, if Chris Rock is busy, maybe... maybe we could have Chris Tucker. Or whoever is cheaper right now.”
Peterson still doesn't look up when he speaks, but flips to the next page.
“I can't stop reading this, Tony, this is gold! Solid gold! This is brilliant! What were you thinking when you wrote this?”

Gwendolyn: I know you can do it, Arthur! I believe in you, unlike your father!

Sir Pimps-a-lot: Shut your mouth, ho! (Pimps 'pimp' slaps Gwendolyn and the whole crew gets quiet)

Arthur: (Quietly) You're going to regret that shiznat, Pimps. Your balls are toast.

(Arthur pulls the sword out of the stone in slow-motion, to Eminem's “Lose Yourself”)

“Well, I was thinking like Shrek. Like a really hip, updated fairy tale.”
Peterson finally looks up from the page, and his mouth pulls uncontrollably into a smile.
“I'll say it again Tony, you are a genius! And when I read Sir Pimps-a-lot – that name is fantastic, by the way – I hear Snoop Dog's voice right in my head!”
Tony is almost bouncing in his seat.
“Exactly who I was imaging! Exactly!
The room is quiet for a second. Both men are perspiring slightly in the excitement, enormous grins on their faces. Tony's hands are clenched together in fists, and he punches the air with a tight, anxious movement to punctuate his sentences. Peterson throws the script onto the desk and leans towards Tony.
“We've got to start production on this right away. This is going to be a huge break for Disney. Ratatouille can kiss my balls; this is our new baby now”

Arthur: (Holding sword above head, to Pimps) Now who's the blingiest of them all, Pimps? You just got served on a silver platter. (Points sword at Pimps) You talk a lot of smack, Pimps, but I know I'll want you on my side if we ever want to defend Compton against the Vikings in a climactic high-stakes basketball game. Will you and your crew join me?

Sir Pimps-a-lot: I thought you were a real fool, Arthur, but it looks like you 'aight'. Yeah, my crew will join you, brother!

Merlin: What about your right-hand man Arthur? You got some shizzle for my nizzle, you dizzle?

Arthur: Sure thing Merlin. You my dog, you know? You will be the first... (Music swells dramatically) Gangsta in King Arthur's court!