EXCERPT: Hummer Lee Battles The Many Reptile Santa Claus by Wilson Riley

Scene opens on a chilly November Morn 1956 (here comes santa claus, as rendered by Metallica (or a band like Metallica) is to be blasting on the soundtrack)

Hummer Lee:

We certainly robbed that bank good this year, Charlie, you know? We will never be captured for our crimes, even murder!

Charlie Lawless:

I know, how could we? We killed all of the witnesses, including that man dressed like Santa Claus. Kids sure will be sad this Christmas, as nothing will be under their Christmas tree. (Laughs) Isn’t that right, Hummer?

H. Lee:

It sure is, Charlie, it sure is. Wait, what goes in the road up ahead? It looks like some Santa Claus figure. Better pullover and . . . KILL’EM! (brandishes formidable gun / other weapon)

C. Lawless:

But it is so cold and snowy. Can’t you see we are in a blizzard, you are making an imprudent selection of action, Lee! We, the bankrobbers, need to bury our stealings and then retreat to another location, where we will then return from once the police are no longer after us -- approximately, 3 to 5 months.

H. Lee:

Quiet Lawless, quiet FOREVER! . . . In HELL! (shoots Lawless, to Lawless’ surprise, in the chest and face and kicks him out the door of the moving vehicle). Now, to deal with that Santa figure, who is slightly green, reptilian you could surmise as a result.

(car pulls over and there, possibly played by Clint Howard, is a reptile Santa, Hummer Lee does not seem to realize this, and proceeds to try (to no avail) to kill the monster, at his own peril)
H Lee: Hey you cretin! I am going to shoot you now!

Reptile Santa: Oh I hope that you try it! (reptile santa will have a speaking role, as pantomime alone will not be enough to express the true nature of his character) I have not eaten any bullets -- or people! -- in days!

H Lee: Here I go then! (Fires rapidly).

Reptile Santa: I have consumed your bullets and now I wish to consume your flesh.
H Lee: It isn’t possible, as I shot you multiple times in various kill spots.

Reptile Santa: If I were an ordinary person, like you, I would have been killed. But I am not an ordinary person. For you see, I am a reptile, dressed as Santa, of whom I have only just recently heard of. Also, I am from space out there yonder.

H Lee: And your scales act as a kind of armor platting that is impenetrable to human weapons, for example guns and mortar shells.

Reptile Santa: Yes, that is an accurate description of my natural defenses.

H Lee: The science is flawless. And so then, you come to eat all of humanity and then snatch or planet away from us? If that is what you intend to do, reptile santa and your reptilian hordes, then you are truly the scaly beast I had you and your kind pegged as!

Reptile Santa: AND SO IT BEGINS! (Let’s out a piercing laugh)

Wilson Riley is a playwright living in NYC.

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