Journal of Suck--Selections from Janey Smith's Journal November 2011 by Janey Smith

November 2011


I tried to shake hands with myself in the mirror today.

Last night I sent out ten resumes for secretary positions. Tonight, I sent out six or seven more I think.

HarperCollins sent me a copy of Dennis’ novel The Marbled Swarm. I’m supposed to review it. I don’t know what I’m going to say.

Started reading The Andy Warhol Diaries again. I think I’ve started it two or three times already.

I woke up late, missed an appointment. I thought I called them to cancel. I must have been dreaming.

Jessica wants to move to New York.

Heather was disappointed I missed my appointment. She called me this morning to wake me up for it. I fell back asleep though.

Heather has a review tomorrow. She keeps hinting she wants to get doughnuts one of these nights. The doughnut stores are the only twenty-four hour places in the city. Other then certain gas stations. And Sparky’s.

Jason said I should try to write the review of Swarm without words. I like that idea.

I walked to the post office on Clayton to mail a book to New Zealand. I decided to go into Booksmith to see what’s new. I read from Blake Butler’s Nothing, Canteen Magazine, Dennis’ Swarm, some poetry (I don’t remember who, Jane Hirschman, maybe), and stared a lot at the clerk.

I thought Alicia was going to come over for dinner tonight. She wants to go to a lecture tomorrow at Queen’s Nails. I am meeting with Julie tomorrow night.

Jackie has a cold.

Jeff solicited me for his on-line magazine.

I have been reading a Mike Kelley monograph. He’s peculiar, polemical.


I practiced semen retention. My cock started to hurt so I stopped.

I fell asleep with floss in my teeth.

I didn’t remember what happened this morning. I think I ate cereal. Then took the floss out.

I glued parts of my shirt together before I left the apartment.

I took a tub of soup to school. I put it in my backpack, wrapped in a sweater. I put a bowl and some spoons in there, too. I took a grapefruit from the table. It was round and fitted neatly in the bowl.

Jackie and I ate lunch inside Hooper. Jackie got claustrophobic so we went outside, sat on the grass. The sun was so nice, it felt like summer. Jim took our picture. He gave me advice about pricing rates for editors.

Jackie and I talked about Max. We kissed a lot before she got on the bus. Jackie said, “I want you to desire me.”

I didn’t send out any resumes today. I received two responses that were weird. It’s hard to tell if they are real. Form letters, different companies, almost exactly the same.

A great dinner—Mexican-style grilled cheese sandwich with jalapenos and hot sauce, vegetarian refried beans, and beer.

I walked to Julie’s apartment. Letti was there. Dana and Monica were there. Letti was making dinner. Dana and Monica went to a bar. I drank chocolate beer with Julie. Next week is Julie’s birthday. There’s going to be a party. Julie’s room is pink with gold-metallic frills. It’s like one big cupcake.

Andy got drunk. He broke his key in the front gate. When I got home the kitchen was covered with slices of bread. There was butter daubed all over the counters and walls. Bread makes nice carpet. Butter makes nice wallpaper.

I talked to Heather on the phone. I think we’re going to get doughnuts soon. Tomorrow maybe. I need a job to pay for things.

My mom never wants to talk about anything important. She always has to go eat. I wonder if we’ll ever talk about anything other than my nephew.

Julie said she finds me very engaging and thanked me for coming over. She invited me to appear on her talk show.

I fell asleep in the bathtub.


I think I looked for a job a today.

There was school.

I stopped by Project One. Jeff looks older. Tom had a cold. I wished him happy birthday. Sam’s new hair cut is cute. Jessamyn and Paul and Reece all looked the same. Although Reece looks more like ship’s captain now than a surfer. He invited me to a party at the Headlands tomorrow night. I told him I had to be at the 1111 party.

Tonight I ate three peanut butter cups. Autumn brought them. We chose poems for issue 12. I wanted to make a move on Jessica. I think we’d start laughing if I did.

Later that night I saw Tom again at Rachel’s birthday party. I talked to a lot of people that night. Liz looked cute.

I stole a camera from a woman’s purse. I gave the camera to Rachel for her birthday.

I walked home.

I ate pizza at 3 in the morning. All the guys in the pizza place were drunk and not happy.


I ate a bowl of bananas.

There was nobody very cute on the train today.

I got lost under the Bay Bridge. A meter maid told me to take the stairs. I arrived at the warehouse early. I walked into the wrong room. Kat interview me for fifteen minutes. I told her I was good at folding clothes and walking up-and-down stairs.

The best part about cleaning Mary’s apartment is doing her laundry. She has lots of pretty towels. Her panties are small. I always stand against this one wall where no one can see me and smell them. Whenever I put them in the wash I am a little bit sad.

I bought two cans of vegetarian refried beans.

I don’t feel very confident about getting a job.

Sean asked me if I would read at Altered Barbie. I told him I couldn’t. I can’t wait for Julie’s party. I hope I meet someone.

I watched L’iceberg.

I fell asleep four times today.

Jackie called. We talked. I’m probably not going to see her again. She wants to disappear I think.

I don’t know if I can give a stranger a blow job without a condom. Heather and I talked about the new covers. The barcode doesn’t look so bad. Two people have reviewed Animals. They both liked it.

I wish I lived in a Marx Brothers’ movie.


When I woke up this morning there were ants in the corner on the floor.

Heather called. We didn’t talk about much really. She hung up, I went back to sleep.

I dreamed of stuff I don’t remember.

When I woke in the afternoon I was really bored. I watched porn.

I asked Liz if she wanted to get a sandwich with me. She said no.

I think I’m going to see Jennifer at Shooting Gallery tomorrow night.

Julie’s sitting in a tree house. She wants me to come over.

Heather called. She said she didn’t know what she wanted to eat for dinner. I said how about doughnuts. She said no.

It’s one of those days where all I want to do is have sex.

I think love is like a Venn diagram.

I walked in the rain to a ping pong party. Julie was there. I think I want to have a crush on Monica. I drank two beers. Allan bought me one of them. I am not sure I will ever find love again—or that it will ever find me. Whatever, gay.

In the land of pillows my father hammers a nail into his forehead so he can hang his coat. My mother keeps searching for the door, bumping her head against a low ceiling.

The stars were out.

I did not get out of bed. I want to meet somebody this way. I stay in bed, wait for them. They search for me, bump into bed, find me. We fall in love, watch movies.

I am afraid to talk to girls who wear tight jeans and dirty Vans. I am always sleeping with the wrong girls. Well, not all of them.

The self-check-out at Safeway is tempting. I keep making plans to steal food from it. Fruit seems the easiest. I didn’t steal anything today.

Heather called.

I felt lonely tonight. I wanted someone to be with me. Erin didn’t want to. Jennifer almost did, but never returned my call. Monica called. I think we might hang out Tuesday. I sent Carrie a text.

I wonder if I’m going to get in trouble for not going to the 1111 thing. There are still some people I don’t want to see. Jessica yelled at me on the phone when I told her I wasn’t going. Then she called me two hours later to tell me I was right.

I watched When the Sea Rises. The two characters are so much like Donna and Joseph. I wonder why Donna closed her facebook account.

I keep thinking it’s tomorrow.


Heather came over. She brought a box of doughnuts and a small carton of whole milk. I ate three doughnuts and Heather ate one-and-a-half.

I didn’t do anything all day.

Jackie and I talked on the phone. Something about films. She painted her toenails Saturday night. I asked her what she was wearing. She said purple tights and a light-blue denim skirt. Heather called while we were on the phone.

Chris is married. He has a six-year-old son. It’s strange. He lives with his wife and works near the city. He wants to play chess, the loser sucks the winner’s cock. I said I’d play him.

Fernando wants to hang out soon. He’s a dentist’s assistant or something. Well-built. Looks great in tight shorts. I wonder if we’ll have chemistry.

I watched the movie Leap Year.

I wish Jessica was my heater.


I’m pretty sure Heather called me this morning. If she didn’t, I woke in a sweat anyway. I don’t know why.

I looked for work. There seems to be a lot of possibilities, but nobody’s getting back to me. I took a shower before going to the post office. I thought about masturbating, then changed my mind.

On my way, I ran into Melanie. She’s gain weight. She didn’t look pretty at all. There were more blackheads on her face. She still smokes. Her hair is cut real short like a boy’s. And her thighs actually appeared noticeably fat. We made eye contact. I played it cool. I think she was scared. I don’t know.

I took my fake mustache off.

I mailed a magazine to New Mexico.

I sent out five resumes for secretary jobs.

Alicia and I talked on the phone. She wants to have a dinner party. She said she wants to start a group that talks about art. I said I know a couple people who would be great. Alicia said maybe. I ate two pieces of toast and half a doughnut.

I didn’t get in trouble for missing the 1111 event. But Hugh stressed that I can’t miss my thesis committee meeting this Friday. Wednesday Dennis comes to town. I’m excited to see him. Michael and I are going to see him together. I wonder who else is going to be there?

Jackie canceled our meeting. Said she has work to do. I haven’t seen her in two weeks. She asked if I have a mailbox at school. I said it’s in the writers studio, just ring and someone will let you in. I feel she’s going to give me a letter that says she doesn’t want to see me anymore.

Chris said he’d help me get a job. Maybe where he works.

Donna is back on facebook.

Janey Smith's book, Animals, is published by plain wrap press. She lives in San Francisco, California.