Molly Wally Polly’s New Year’s Resolutions

by Molly Wally Polly

To not masturbate on my mommy’s bed to get even with her when she prepares my Campbell’s Cream of Potato soup with a cup of water instead of a cup of whole milk.

To not hide my sibling’s tampons when she comes home and eats my box of Annie’s Classic Mac and Cheese.

To treat my heinie gentler and not subject it to immoderate wipings based on the off chance that the Janjaweed will invade my all-white suburban enclave and gang rape me.

To not slit my wrist when mommy forgets to buy the loaf of Italian bread that I asked her to.

To kiss pop superstar Jason Derulo on the mouth (but no tongue -- that’s icky).

To try and be friendlier to girls even though they all hate me and envy me because my pussy tastes better than an everything bagel and I am the most talented young woman of letters since Ann Frank.

To get the A&F jegging in green and in red.

To set aside a couple of minutes at the finale of each day to sit and reflect and ask myself, “Molly Wally Polly, is there any opportunity that you might of missed today that would’ve lead to you being blissfully ravished by 15 black studs with pulsing horse cocks?”

Last night, Molly Wally Polly watched Heathers.

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