by Florence Lawrence

I want to tell you about my most interesting day. It began in the morning. Almost all of my days begin in the morning. I was sitting with my husband eating breakfast, trying to start a conversation with him because there was no newspaper on the front porch. “Honey, do you know why the paper didn’t come today?” My husband flipped an egg and said, “Honey, I have no idea why the paper didn’t come today.” I thought that maybe I had forgotten to pay the poor paperboy, so I went upstairs to get my checkbook because I keep perfect records of all expenses in it. I am amazing at balancing a checkbook. It is my greatest skill and passion. But just as I sat down...


I had never seen a newspaper with wings on it before. It flew above the kitchen, close to the ceiling and away from the fan. It looked like a bat only it was a newspaper with wings instead of a bat. I wanted to catch it and put it in a cage with a little bowl of water and some rubber bands for it to eat. “Honey, do we have any rubber bands?” My husband flipped an egg and said, “Honey, I am flipping this egg. I am trying to set the world record for flipping an egg. So far I have flipped this egg over four hundred times and I don’t intend to stop because you-”. My husband didn’t get to finish his sentence because...

The pipe bomb didn’t have wings like the newspaper so it just landed on the ground, ready to explode and kill all three of us. I don’t know what a pipe bomb likes to eat, so I didn’t think to keep it as a pet. Instead, I jumped into action. I picked the pipe bomb up from the floor and threw it at my husband. He wordlessly threw the egg away and started flipping the pipe bomb. This went on for several minutes, until the pipe bomb was brown and crispy on both sides. I opened the cabinet, took out two plates, and began setting the table. My husband cut the pipe bomb in half and filled our plates. It was delicious, but our breakfast was interrupted when...


I cradled my new son in my arms while my husband cut off a piece of his pipe bomb to feed our new baby boy. He is beautiful and our lives are amazing now. He gets along very well with the flying newspaper and we eat pipe bombs for every meal. This has been the story of my most interesting day.

Florence Lawrence sells insurance. Florence Lawrence slept with your dad.

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