Some say I’m not the smartest guy who ever lived. Back when I was a kid I used to confuse avocados and limes. My guacamole tasted really shitty. I’ve learned a lot since childhood. Now I know when I became a man, a true-blue, dick-jerking, man.

Christopher Columbus and Joseph McCarthy discovered America. They had fled the tyrannous yoke of the Egyptians by turning all their pretty ladies into pillars of salt. Joseph McCarthy was heir to the Lifesaver fortune. Once they saw America, they knew they had to defeat the Puerto Rican communists. Columbus claimed the land for Denmark by coaxing a big fat load of dreaming semen into steaming Pea men. Ah, a good time indeed was had by all.

It was four score and seven years after this stuff happened. I was proud to be an American. I was soaking in my bathtub. Outside some kid was practicing his tuba very erotically. This tuba-playing really turned me on. I felt excited. My chub (now known as Major Penis) grew in size. Hair populated my nether region. Remembering what my parents told me about hygiene, I began rubbing that region in milky white shampoo.

The more I rubbed, the more I realized I had an itch down there. Rubbing helped scratch it. Didn’t know what was going on there. I felt curious about what was going to happen next. By doubly the rubbing motion I doubled my pleasure. No gum had satisfied me the way this rubbing motion did.

But then my penis exhaled all this milky white stuff. ‘Shit’ I thought ‘shampoo had gotten up my dick hole.’ I pulled hard on my dick, making sure all the shampoo was leaving my penis. The pain in my groin was unbearable. Shampoo was invading my body through my dick. All I had wanted was to scratch an itch and now there shampoo squirting all over the place. It was nasty, almost wasty in texture.

Penis shampoo felt flat. I rubbed it in my hair. My hair got all dirty and sticky. The penis shampoo was useless. Outside fireworks were going off. A tube player continued playing. I was a man for the first time, not a grown one, more like a teenage asshole. In other words, I was everything I wanted to be. Felt a little like Christopher Columbus when he jerked off on North America for the first time. Later others would come to America to jerk off on its sacred, stupid land, its valleys of green, and its soaring mountaintops.

Now I think of that time. I wonder how many Americans jerk off for the first time on the Fourth of July. Feel our forefathers would be proud. Jerking it is working it. And that’s what America is truly about: working an obscene amount for little to no reason or money.

Jerk off across America. 

Michelle Whatever doesn’t need your approval. She already has it.

1 comment:

  1. dang thats way funnier than my whole life thanks