Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Molly Wally Polly

Once a boy came to visit me and because it was the Recession he didn’t have any money so he took the Coach bus so he smelled awful because only people with hairy armpits and pimples on their anus ride that mode of transportation. So he wouldn’t let me give him a blowjob. He said: “No, babe; my balls are too stinky. Let’s just watch the Real World San Diego instead, and, maybe, if you’re quiet, I’ll let you give me an HJ during the semi-long MTV commercial breaks.”

I said: “Handjobs are for freshman. I’m a sophomore, bitch. I don’t touch meat: I suck it.”

He said: “Babe, I’ve had a tiring day on the Coach. The driver kept razzing me about my distressed jeans. So, please, let’s just keep it low key with some sausage strokes.”

I said: “Fuck you, bitch. When my mommy gets back from Starbucks, I’m gonna tell her that you raped me with a Bundt cake.”

He said: “Are you on your period?”

I said: “No, but I just pooped out my bagel and lox. So if you don’t subject me to ATM before the next cast member takes off his shirt, I will officially charge you with sexual assault.”



If Molly Wally Polly wins then the prize money will go toward the purchase of a dark, dark dildo no less than 11 inches and classy lubricant.

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