my very important story

by Nannerz Hildebrandt

oh, that's right, my important true story, i almost forgot to tell you guys. it's about how i got shat out of a massive bird. it's very important. and all true.

so one time i was questing my way up a naturally-formed spire when i noticed, there at its cartoon apex, a very large egg. the egg had a particular, peculiar tint, like almost a type of shimmer you'd call "serpentine," and i realized it would go perfectly with the pop-surrealism painting i have above my fireplace at home.

i am pretty sure the painting is a todd schorr, but i can never keep those assholes straight. all i know is, i can't afford murakami. you know, with all the smiling daisies? that's murakami. no, the OTHER murakami. oh, well, that's ok; he was really "in" a few years ago, just so you know. anyway, this oversized egg had just the right touch of "whimsy" my living room needs. hmm. if i could just somehow fix a large glass plate atop the egg i'd finally have a size-appropriate end-table, i reasoned blithely.

so i was thinking about what types of coasters i should buy for my new end-table, but i was also trying to figure out how to hoist the egg back home. i really needed this egg. and i had JUST constructed a complicated machine, an entire system of levers and pulleys made up of a hundred little moving parts, all using naught but stones and ropes and twigs, when i suddenly heard this "caw caw, caw caw" overhead. that was when i first noticed i was actually standing in a large birdnest, which inexplicably i had heretofore not acknowledged.

from inside the great bird i began to really pace around and consider where i had gone wrong. there was all this shortsightedness, all these chances i'd had to accept christ as my lord and savior, all these house parties i might have not ruined with an ill-timed joke. if i could only go back! if i could only retrace my steps, find the error and correct it! finally i stopped pacing and became thoughtful. i sat down. i used all these twigs i'd been keeping somewhere on my person this whole time to make myself a tiny bonfire. as i watched the smoke curl and dissolve, i became increasingly determined to refashion myself as WEEDLORD, CHAMPION OF ALL THE LAND. i decided, for once and for all, happily ever after, i would loosen my straits and learn how to party.

there was only one thing left for me: i had to cut my way out of the mighty bird!

i fumbled around, feeling my hip-waist-thigh parts for my adventurer's sword. oh. i'd left it outside the bird someplace. fuck.

so, ok, that part wasn't as triumphant. anyway, this is the story of how eventually i got shat out of a gigantic bird. the whole thing was very disorienting. i kind of had to work my way, well, you know, toward the butt. then i had to wait a really long time. if you've ever been inside an animal that is gigantic, you already know this type of thing, um, takes "longer." so it was an unhappy process, and painful -- especially the part with the acid -- but i came out mostly ok.

just kidding! i am actually telling you this story from inside a gigantic bird. please send help.

Nannerz Hildebrandt tells a lot of longwinded stories at the campfire, especially ghost ones. They are all true. Seriously, check Snopes; I am not even making this up.