Christoper Columbus discovered America so he could suck some dick. He woke up in Spain one morning and was like “Fuck this, I gotta suck some dick!” so he went to America, because he knew there was a ton of dick to suck there. He got dressed and ran to the king’s castle and was like “Hey King, let me go to America because I gotta suck some dick!” and the King was all “Ok, but first you gotta suck this dick!” so Christopher Columbus sucked that King’s dick until he came three ships full of sailors to take him to the dick-sucking mecca that is America. Once the ships were ready to sail, Christoper Columbus sucked all the sailors’ dicks and pretty soon they were all in America. There was only one problem though: Christopher Columbus couldn’t find any dick to suck! He was about to starve to death when a friendly Native American named Squanto found him. Christoper Columbus immediately started sucking his dick. I mean Christopher Columbus was sucking his own dick, not Squanto’s. Christoper Columbus was too busy sucking his own dick to notice Squanto. When Christopher Columbus was finally done sucking his own dick, another Native American named Pocohontas showed up. She didn’t have a dick, so Christoper Columbus sent her away. He later starved to death due to lack of dicks to suck.

Florence Lawrence is sucking your dick right now. Go ahead, look down.

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