Contest Winners!

Here it is, finally, at long last! Something that's totally better than the Alt Lit Gossip Awards. Terd Macchio introducing the winners of our "Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess" contest!



Take THAT Steve Roggenbuck.

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Emmett Shimm

handjob from a Native American
redskin on my foreskin
chafing deadskin
bark is treeskin is one-eyed snakeskin
maybe a post-load-blow cuddle?
but not on my small pox blanket


handjob from a zombie
rotting like that
look that!
like that methane emitting skinpencil
that ravens in gutters smell
jizz is liquid brains that decayed pork paste


handjob from a bird
pecker
pecker
pecker
pecker
pecker
peck her
pecker
peck her
pecker
pecker
pecker
pecker paste
SKEET!

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

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handjobs are bleak unless you have some lube, then they can be pretty decent, it mainly comes down to technique, i guess

by Johnny Vulpine

give me a hand job
give me a hand job on an airplane
give me a hand job while i'm sleeping
give me a hand job on martin luther king jrs day
give me a hand job immediately after i eat dinner with you
give me a hand job, but instead of your hands, use your feet
give me a hand job while i google 'does jim carry like death metal?'
give me a hand job after I tell you 'something weird is happening in japan'
give me a hand job while we talk about what we're going to do about our chapbook
give me a hand job and cut my dick off



Johnny Vulpine is a 22 writer, musician, dude from South Texas and sometimes lives in New Hampshire. He has a tumblr at http://johnnyvulpine.tumblr.com/

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Moe Jassey

I find myself eating Chinese takeout
more and more these days which is ok
with me I guess though I wouldn't swear to it
even if the processed chickens did live bleak
lives, beakless and breasty in their pens
which, come to think of it, describes my days
quite well. I'm just not sure why I keep opting
to watch porn and jerk off instead of having sex
since I can have sex whenever I choose mostly
now that I am in a relationship, with in-house pussy
(I feel really obvious and pathetic typing 'in-house
pussy') that has large breasts and all the handjobs
that arrangement entails (which is more than you
might think since it takes me a while to get hard
enough for anything else beyond lazy handjobs).
I just have to fight back the urge to cry and eat
more of the refrigerator cold leftover Lemon Chicken
and dream of different large-breasted women to give
me handjobs that are better than my own, which is my pet
fantasy when the rhythms of my in-house pussy's handjobs
aren't like the ones I give myself and the pumping
and the stroking stands a real chance of ending up wasted
and pitiful. It's such a lazy waste of lube that it gives me
an acid stomach even when I am able to expel a thin pool
of my seed onto one or the other of our bodies.



Moe Jassey lives in a cabin in the woods and pens poems when he isn't sending erotic photographs of himself to female poets of the interwebs.

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

Last night I ate some tuna and mayo thing from Ashia
(Ashia is the chinese place down the street)
Usually I want to get drunk, does this help with handjobs.

What is a handjob called when it is to a girl?
We are self producers of lube and children.
Is it like a squelcheroo or something.

The bleakest handjob a person could give
is one without lube in a dark musty cave.
One hand working da dick, the other a shitty lighter.

After I did my first handjob the guy did it on my shirt.
It was my favorite shirt. This is the bleakest personal
handjob ever. I hate him and his nasty love yogurt.

Last night I ate some tuna and mayo thing from Ashia
I can't separate it from the idea of handjobs now
even though I didn't give anyone a handie at all.