Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by King Crab

it is so hard
to get a
handjob
in this economy
it is so hard

Here is another poem for you:
"i saw Usher today"

i could not believe it
Usher was on my front lawn
and he was grabbing his junk
like he meant it.

there was a boombox, then
Usher looked me in the eye
i wore a denim jacket
and he wore a denim jacket and it was 2005
dancing in my yard



King Crab lives in the sea with his Queen Crab Wife and crab kids.

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Michael Ledger

Two fresh free riders feel for the tingle
Torturing the tender loins untouched
Reaching for edible lubrication to relieve
The frustrated eruption before Christmas Eve

Wait, winkle warns, the singlet must be worn
With that she adorns the championship sheath
Jerking him in the snap of a Slim Jim
And in him churns the butter for her snapper

But before the reward, mother jerks open the door
Everyone takes the solution that dilates their eyes
Mother walks to the window, as girl-grip hides
And now the strong grapple can be applied

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Van Dill

Call:

Ooh baby I love your way everyday
I love the way you drop that yay on my way-way
That red red wine on my vine
That cold soda pop on my old chode rock.

& Response:

Hell no! We won't go!
We won't let our booties roll!

We won't let our dirty, purple buttholes roll!

Nah Nah! We won't gnaw!
We won't gnaw that totem pahwl!

We won't spit on, tongue, or slurp that knob!

But if you're nice! If it's ripe!
We will tug the boat all night!

Dock that dick and rope that slick alright!



Van Dill is looking to adopt.

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Fanny Leech

i’ve never had a problem
with friction and handjobs.
this is probably due to the fact
that my palms get sweaty
when i’m excited or nervous.
i can’t think of a time
when i haven’t been
at least one of those things
while giving a handjob.

sweat is a natural lubricant.

anyway, i’ve never heard a complaint
from anyone on the receiving end.
to be honest, holding hands
poses a bigger challenge
for people like me,
particularly if the other participant
is also prone to hand sweat.

in grade school, i learned boys
don’t like holding hands with
a girl with sweaty palms,
especially during mass.
the lead up to the ‘our father’
was the worst.

eventually,
i learned to cover my hands
with my sleeves
to create a barrier
between our skins.

i’ve imagined giving
handjobs to some of those boys now.
i cover my hands with wool
or scratchy sweaters
and rub and rub.



Fanny Leech would like nothing more than to be sucked dry.

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Otis T. Thursday

I got a handjob during Men in Black II

Pretty sure

In the theatre

Can i get pregnant

I guess what I'm saying is

I want a handjob from a cellist

I've got great handjob hands

Jesse, you love me

Now you'd be lucky

To get a handjob in the car




Otis T. Thursday is a writer from somewhere in Canada. He wants to be relevant. You can see more of his work at http://www.daveisok.tumblr.com

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by J.D.A. Winslow

I am very hungover
you less so.

Everything is bleak
I will never have sex again.

I am tempted to ask for a handjob
I can't remember your name
I can't remember how I got here

I vomit

I vomit a thick yellow bile
I rest my chin on the cold ceramic bowl
I breath in the smell of your faeces, your urea and my sick

I can't remember your name
so I make vague, guttural noises at you
in between throwing up.

You are here too,
your chin on the other side of the toilet bowl
I move my chin to a cold patch

I wonder if the smell is more or less pleasant for you
my teeth feel as if they are going soft

you kiss me
viciously
and my teeth bend
and distort.

Your hands grasp my body,
that sort of gives way too,
my flesh is of a dough like consistency.

You suggest
I try getting in the oven
to solve it

you turn the gas on
I get in

You wave goodbye
I am gone.



J.D.A. Winslow can be Googled

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Maeve Deswaynyo


6am
standingatthebusstop
the sun on the horizon line
thebuildingscastshadows
that loom toward me.

coolsummermorning
I lean against the brick wall
ofanoldapartmentbuilding
waiting for the bus
andlisteningtotheworld

"OH YEAH MAN"
wordsIcanhear
through the wall
Ilistencloser

"OH YEAH MAN, I WANT TO START A BAND WITH YOU"
it's a man yelling over
thesoundofahairdryer

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Captain J. Moses

• let me turn off my phone for this HJ babe
• i guess what i’m saying is “i need a HJ, babe.”

• yeah babe
• i guess keep a circuitous motion babe
• put your hand in my hair babe
• make it personal babe

• that's nice babe
• do you mind if i check my 'sites while you HJ me babe?
• oh, i won’t then, babe, i respect you
• i’m just waiting for an important e-mail, babe, sorry

• and i'll stop calling it a "HJ" babe
• yeah babe, i think the problem is friction
• haha, yeah, the problem and the solution babe

• oh babe you're sexy 

• no babe, i luv u
• this is about luv babe
• babe, for real
• look babe, i drank some spiced rum or something
• no, i find you attractive, babe, it’s a whiskey/rum based flaccid 

• no babe, i just said "you're sexy"

• babe, look, stop
• look babe, there’s easier ways to go about this
• give it a taste babe

• or better yet, a tip taste of the ol' twat water

• no babe, i don't think i'm funny

• i'm sorry babe

• i know babe, i'm an idiot, i am
• and i know it’s a mess, babe, at this part of the month, babe

• yeah babe, it's nature

• i know babe

• look, i know babe

• it happens babe

• okay babe, look
• i guess what i’m saying is “i don’t mind”
• babe

•

•

•

• yeah babe, it's cool

Captain J. Moses does songs and poems!

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

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Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Thomas Boettner

Handjobs Are Bleak
Unless You Have Some Lube,
Then They Can Be Pretty Decent,
It Mainly Comes Down
to Technique,
I Guess.



Thomas Boettner doesn’t like it when you change his last name to Buttner…

We've extended the contest:

But why?

1. We're lazy.

2. There are three very good ones, but we don't like the writers. Personally that is. We're hoping people we like more will send us better pieces so we don't have to pick these dipshits.

3. We haven't posted all of the ones we've gotten. We'd like to post them all, then end it.

So get your pieces in!

<3

The Editors

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Emmett Shimm

handjob from a Native American
redskin on my foreskin
chafing deadskin
bark is treeskin is one-eyed snakeskin
maybe a post-load-blow cuddle?
but not on my small pox blanket


handjob from a zombie
rotting like that
look that!
like that methane emitting skinpencil
that ravens in gutters smell
jizz is liquid brains that decayed pork paste


handjob from a bird
pecker
pecker
pecker
pecker
pecker
peck her
pecker
peck her
pecker
pecker
pecker
pecker paste
SKEET!

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

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handjobs are bleak unless you have some lube, then they can be pretty decent, it mainly comes down to technique, i guess

by Johnny Vulpine

give me a hand job
give me a hand job on an airplane
give me a hand job while i'm sleeping
give me a hand job on martin luther king jrs day
give me a hand job immediately after i eat dinner with you
give me a hand job, but instead of your hands, use your feet
give me a hand job while i google 'does jim carry like death metal?'
give me a hand job after I tell you 'something weird is happening in japan'
give me a hand job while we talk about what we're going to do about our chapbook
give me a hand job and cut my dick off



Johnny Vulpine is a 22 writer, musician, dude from South Texas and sometimes lives in New Hampshire. He has a tumblr at http://johnnyvulpine.tumblr.com/

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Dirk Hamburglar

I’malike you finish that McDouble cheeseburger yet?
Shealike I’malike gonna lick off the cheese
pieces stuck to the paper. I’malike is that a fetish?
Shealike Idonno I can’t check tags on my tumblr
causeI’malike without hands. Fuck! somebody said.
Think she said fuck cause her one hand was McDouble
her other hand was quarter-pounder. That’s me,
the Quarter-pounder or a hamburger of greater weight
and girth because if my dick isabe in a poem, it’sabe huge!
No fucking cheese on my hamburger of great size
causeashe not done with the handjob, then licking
the melted cheese pieces off the wrapping paper.
Fuck! somebody said. Think I said fuck then causeI’malike
fuck we had Arby’s coupons and a French Dip sounds good.
She’salike if that’s somesorta way to get a blow job
it’slikeanot gonna work, you think my mouth is meat juice?
I’malike no I want a fuckin French Dip and a mouth dip
but like we don’t have coupons and whenyouagonna finish here?
She’salike I can’t handle your huge triple patty Quarter-pounder
with bacon with just one hand. Nah, she didn’t say that.
I put that in the poem, she just said fuckinfinishalreadyIwannaplaywordswithfriends!



Dirk Hamburglar hates seeded buns (that means bumpy asses.)

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

by Molly Wally Polly

Once a boy came to visit me and because it was the Recession he didn’t have any money so he took the Coach bus so he smelled awful because only people with hairy armpits and pimples on their anus ride that mode of transportation. So he wouldn’t let me give him a blowjob. He said: “No, babe; my balls are too stinky. Let’s just watch the Real World San Diego instead, and, maybe, if you’re quiet, I’ll let you give me an HJ during the semi-long MTV commercial breaks.”

I said: “Handjobs are for freshman. I’m a sophomore, bitch. I don’t touch meat: I suck it.”

He said: “Babe, I’ve had a tiring day on the Coach. The driver kept razzing me about my distressed jeans. So, please, let’s just keep it low key with some sausage strokes.”

I said: “Fuck you, bitch. When my mommy gets back from Starbucks, I’m gonna tell her that you raped me with a Bundt cake.”

He said: “Are you on your period?”

I said: “No, but I just pooped out my bagel and lox. So if you don’t subject me to ATM before the next cast member takes off his shirt, I will officially charge you with sexual assault.”



If Molly Wally Polly wins then the prize money will go toward the purchase of a dark, dark dildo no less than 11 inches and classy lubricant.