The Definition of Irony by Dogwalk Happen

This toilet
is a piece
of shit,
you said.
I said
now that
is the def-
inition of
irony.

Also,
I want
a divorce.


Dogwalk Happen thinks poetry is the most horrible, pretentious, despicable garbage ever created. He would like you to know that what he writes is glow-etry, which is at least twice as bad.

Chicken Salt

by Dogwalk Happen

I am always jumping out windows in expensive clothes.
I am always hailing cabs and saying take me to hell in a scary voice.
I am always crying tears of orange juice
I am always sinking ships with my mind-thoughts
I am always losing the game
I am always granting salad wishes
I am always offering free piggyback rides
I am always using the litter box instead of the toilet



Dogwalk Happen lives in Bloomington, IN.  His hobbies include binge drinking and letting his beard get really gross.  And poetry.  I guess.

We Won!

Yes, that's right, we won a beachy from Beach Sloth.

"Best Online Squatter"

Happy Dog Mom Litjournal

We don't know what the means exactly, but we'll take any awards we can fucking get. God knows that the Alt Lit Gossip poopwards ignored us.

We'd like to thank Beach Sloth, Steve Roggenbuck, Stephen Tully Dierks, your mother, Dogwalk Happen, Robyn, Bruce Springsteen, child-safe scissors, Terd Macchio's mutant belly button, Jesus Christ, Drew Carey, Carrie Underwood, Stephen King's Carrie, Carrie Bradshaw, The Beatles' "Carry That Weight," your level 5 Fighter's carrying capacity, and everyone else who we forgot.

People who can suck it: alt lit gossip, HTMLGiant, Ken Baumann, mom, dad, and everyone else who said we couldn't do it!

BUT WE FUCKING DID IT.

THE OFFICIAL MOMMIES WINNERS

Hi everybody, we are announcing the official winner of the hot dog mom lit awards. The Mommies.  We spent a long time deciding on these and put a lot of thought into them and then we got drunk and forgot what the real results were going to be. HERE WE GO.

The First Annual Hot Dog Mom Lit Awards

On December 27th on this very blog we will be announcing the winners of the First Annual Horny Dog Mom Lit Awards, aka The Mommies. All Mommy award winners will receive an uncomfortably revealing picture of our Editor-in-Chief. I'm not talking face shot.

The categories are as follows:

1. The Winner of that contest thing we posted before
2. Best Poet of 2011
3. Best Fiction Writer of 2011
4. Best Dogwalk Happen poem of 2011
5. Best Blogspot-based Online Lit Journal of 2011
6. Best Stephen Tully Dierks of 2011
7. Some other shit we made up

Oh and also peterbd doesn't edit our journal, that was us lying.

Twitter by Dogwalk Happen

I just found out about twitter.
Seriously?
This is what we're doing now?
Fuck me.

Dogwalk Happen doesn't even care about bios. Everybody does know about twitter, right? Or is twitter old already? You can find a list of his publications at AOL Keyword: EatMyAss

Handjobs Are Bleak Unless You Have Some Lube, Then They Can Be Pretty Decent, It Mainly Comes Down to Technique, I Guess

In 1969 I got a handjob.
I said "Why not a 69?"
Everyone was making that joke that year.
The summer of 1969 was not the summer of love.
I did not get my first real six string.
I got a handjob.
A shitty, shitty handjob.


Dogwalk Happen has been taking the same bath for 72 hours straight. At this point the water matches his toenails. He is no longer picky and will accept anything that has "job" in the name that anyone wants to give him.

Lopstight by Dogwalk Happen

I  was at a stoplight and the wait actually took forever.