Exclusive Interview With Beach Sloth
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yumi mi tummi
by Yumi Mi Tummy
MY MOST INTERESTING DAY
by Florence Lawrence
I want to tell you about my most interesting day. It began in the morning. Almost all of my days begin in the morning. I was sitting with my husband eating breakfast, trying to start a conversation with him because there was no newspaper on the front porch. “Honey, do you know why the paper didn’t come today?” My husband flipped an egg and said, “Honey, I have no idea why the paper didn’t come today.” I thought that maybe I had forgotten to pay the poor paperboy, so I went upstairs to get my checkbook because I keep perfect records of all expenses in it. I am amazing at balancing a checkbook. It is my greatest skill and passion. But just as I sat down...
A NEWSPAPER FLEW THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!
I had never seen a newspaper with wings on it before. It flew above the kitchen, close to the ceiling and away from the fan. It looked like a bat only it was a newspaper with wings instead of a bat. I wanted to catch it and put it in a cage with a little bowl of water and some rubber bands for it to eat. “Honey, do we have any rubber bands?” My husband flipped an egg and said, “Honey, I am flipping this egg. I am trying to set the world record for flipping an egg. So far I have flipped this egg over four hundred times and I don’t intend to stop because you-”. My husband didn’t get to finish his sentence because...
A PIPE BOMB FLEW THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!
I want to tell you about my most interesting day. It began in the morning. Almost all of my days begin in the morning. I was sitting with my husband eating breakfast, trying to start a conversation with him because there was no newspaper on the front porch. “Honey, do you know why the paper didn’t come today?” My husband flipped an egg and said, “Honey, I have no idea why the paper didn’t come today.” I thought that maybe I had forgotten to pay the poor paperboy, so I went upstairs to get my checkbook because I keep perfect records of all expenses in it. I am amazing at balancing a checkbook. It is my greatest skill and passion. But just as I sat down...
A NEWSPAPER FLEW THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!
I had never seen a newspaper with wings on it before. It flew above the kitchen, close to the ceiling and away from the fan. It looked like a bat only it was a newspaper with wings instead of a bat. I wanted to catch it and put it in a cage with a little bowl of water and some rubber bands for it to eat. “Honey, do we have any rubber bands?” My husband flipped an egg and said, “Honey, I am flipping this egg. I am trying to set the world record for flipping an egg. So far I have flipped this egg over four hundred times and I don’t intend to stop because you-”. My husband didn’t get to finish his sentence because...
A PIPE BOMB FLEW THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!
Don’t Smoke Your Own Tree
by Dr. Dingleberry Slim
D.D. Slim here
Sculpting a word forest
Growing a word forest
Watering a word forest
D.D. Slim here
Climbing my word forest
Hanging up my wet clothes
On the limbs
Of my word forest
Keep out
Come on in
Fiends
Friends
D.D. Slim here
Sleeping on a log
Motherfucker
Dreaming this log has legs
Bitch
D.D. Slim here
Sculpting a word forest
Growing a word forest
Watering a word forest
D.D. Slim here
Climbing my word forest
Hanging up my wet clothes
On the limbs
Of my word forest
Keep out
Come on in
Fiends
Friends
D.D. Slim here
Sleeping on a log
Motherfucker
Dreaming this log has legs
Bitch
there is some mystery in what i am saying
by Thew Treebeard
I am remembering a time when someone told me about a tree growing too many
roots. It sounded very absurd, the way she was telling me. She had 3 children at her
knees and they were all carrying with them; an off-putting presence.
I was on my way back from a local sandwich shop. It was about a mile walk from my
apartment. I trembled violently to the colour blue, with each step. There was something in the air that day, on the way there. Something that I will never be able to put my finger on. there were a bunch of african-americans walking into the same store. I decided to very subtly pretend i was at the wrong store.
I got back on the sidewalk, walking home.
Tracing the curb back, it was very short before I encountered a woman who sprung from above in a dead tree. She splashed onto the pavement with broken tree-limbs falling after her. "well, hello there boy o,"
I stood in awe of this lady who was now on her knees pulling small children out from
behind her back, telling me that she was on a journey from tree-to-tree to find
a new home because her previous home was growing too many roots and they were
making the tree lean or something. She provided very little information about herself and I wanted to leave immediately. There was a brief awkward moment of silence which gave me the oppurtunity to escape this conversation. “I am looking for my tree, just like you. do you understand?” That’s what I told her. It seemed to bother her.
I rudely walked past her and looked back after about ~200 feet when i saw her pulling her children onto her back. I turned around and thought about what just happened.
As i turned the street corner i looked back and she was gone.
Thew Treebeard builds pyramids, but not for the aliens (that's passe). One time, he was in Texas and a bar called The Library wouldn't let him in because they claimed to have a dress code. Oh, and he didn't have sleeves on. So yeah.
I am remembering a time when someone told me about a tree growing too many
roots. It sounded very absurd, the way she was telling me. She had 3 children at her
knees and they were all carrying with them; an off-putting presence.
I was on my way back from a local sandwich shop. It was about a mile walk from my
apartment. I trembled violently to the colour blue, with each step. There was something in the air that day, on the way there. Something that I will never be able to put my finger on. there were a bunch of african-americans walking into the same store. I decided to very subtly pretend i was at the wrong store.
I got back on the sidewalk, walking home.
Tracing the curb back, it was very short before I encountered a woman who sprung from above in a dead tree. She splashed onto the pavement with broken tree-limbs falling after her. "well, hello there boy o,"
I stood in awe of this lady who was now on her knees pulling small children out from
behind her back, telling me that she was on a journey from tree-to-tree to find
a new home because her previous home was growing too many roots and they were
making the tree lean or something. She provided very little information about herself and I wanted to leave immediately. There was a brief awkward moment of silence which gave me the oppurtunity to escape this conversation. “I am looking for my tree, just like you. do you understand?” That’s what I told her. It seemed to bother her.
I rudely walked past her and looked back after about ~200 feet when i saw her pulling her children onto her back. I turned around and thought about what just happened.
As i turned the street corner i looked back and she was gone.
Thew Treebeard builds pyramids, but not for the aliens (that's passe). One time, he was in Texas and a bar called The Library wouldn't let him in because they claimed to have a dress code. Oh, and he didn't have sleeves on. So yeah.
Barrels of Dreams/Balls of Despair
By Larry Lemontree
Now
Blowing Balls of Despair
Barrels of Dreams
Down the hole hole whole
Lining the trees of Creams
Climbing the fees of Lawyers
Like ladders of time and faces
Of Priests and Sailors
Down waterfalls of delight and ice
And funny how
The world spins like atoms
And the moon spins like jacks
Heaven is a place
With a tiny tiny fence
And Hell is a waterway
With a passionate swirl of whales blurred
Into a soup of finesse and strategy
And Cheese?
No, that would be ridiculous
Like Cheese?
CHEESE
Now
Blowing Balls of Despair
Barrels of Dreams
Down the hole hole whole
Lining the trees of Creams
Climbing the fees of Lawyers
Like ladders of time and faces
Of Priests and Sailors
Down waterfalls of delight and ice
And funny how
The world spins like atoms
And the moon spins like jacks
Heaven is a place
With a tiny tiny fence
And Hell is a waterway
With a passionate swirl of whales blurred
Into a soup of finesse and strategy
And Cheese?
No, that would be ridiculous
Like Cheese?
CHEESE
"it wuz 2 gut 2 b tru" texts from Ellen Krzyczkski
by Ellen Krzyczkski
it wazn’t that long ago that we were together. we were 2 much in luv and then i got the cat
the cat wuz 2 keep me co. when i was alone which was alot
i lived by myself so i thought i could do wut i want but it turns out that he didnt want me 2 get a cat
so he broke up w/ me
he said U didnt discuz getting a cat w/me
i said i didn’t kno i had 2
he said he was alergic
and now itz just me n the cat
Ellen Krzyczkski just filed a restraining order against you.
it wazn’t that long ago that we were together. we were 2 much in luv and then i got the cat
the cat wuz 2 keep me co. when i was alone which was alot
i lived by myself so i thought i could do wut i want but it turns out that he didnt want me 2 get a cat
so he broke up w/ me
he said U didnt discuz getting a cat w/me
i said i didn’t kno i had 2
he said he was alergic
and now itz just me n the cat
Ellen Krzyczkski just filed a restraining order against you.
Chicken Salt
by Dogwalk Happen
I am always jumping out windows in expensive clothes.
I am always hailing cabs and saying take me to hell in a scary voice.
I am always crying tears of orange juice
I am always sinking ships with my mind-thoughts
I am always losing the game
I am always granting salad wishes
I am always offering free piggyback rides
I am always using the litter box instead of the toilet
Dogwalk Happen lives in Bloomington, IN. His hobbies include binge drinking and letting his beard get really gross. And poetry. I guess.
I am always jumping out windows in expensive clothes.
I am always hailing cabs and saying take me to hell in a scary voice.
I am always crying tears of orange juice
I am always sinking ships with my mind-thoughts
I am always losing the game
I am always granting salad wishes
I am always offering free piggyback rides
I am always using the litter box instead of the toilet
Dogwalk Happen lives in Bloomington, IN. His hobbies include binge drinking and letting his beard get really gross. And poetry. I guess.
i hate you kyle beachy
by peterbd
i hate you kyle beachy
is this even your real name?
i hate that you have this awesome ass name
i wish your name was something lame like thurston
or peter
i'd definitely not hate you if you had one of these names
oh my god, i hate you
what are you, like some kinda talented writer dude?
some talented, writer chill bro
just pick one
you can't be a chill bro as well as a talented writer
it's not fair to us common men!
hating you would be harder if you weren't such a chillax
writer of prose
i hate you kyle beachy
is this even your real name?
i hate that you have this awesome ass name
i wish your name was something lame like thurston
or peter
i'd definitely not hate you if you had one of these names
oh my god, i hate you
what are you, like some kinda talented writer dude?
some talented, writer chill bro
just pick one
you can't be a chill bro as well as a talented writer
it's not fair to us common men!
hating you would be harder if you weren't such a chillax
writer of prose
Ghost
by Maeve Deswaynyo
CLICK IT TO MAKE IT THE BIGGERS
Maeve Deswaynyo's dad drives a race car. Google it.
CLICK IT TO MAKE IT THE BIGGERS
Maeve Deswaynyo's dad drives a race car. Google it.
Molly Wally Polly’s New Year’s Resolutions
by Molly Wally Polly
To not masturbate on my mommy’s bed to get even with her when she prepares my Campbell’s Cream of Potato soup with a cup of water instead of a cup of whole milk.
To not hide my sibling’s tampons when she comes home and eats my box of Annie’s Classic Mac and Cheese.
To treat my heinie gentler and not subject it to immoderate wipings based on the off chance that the Janjaweed will invade my all-white suburban enclave and gang rape me.
To not slit my wrist when mommy forgets to buy the loaf of Italian bread that I asked her to.
To kiss pop superstar Jason Derulo on the mouth (but no tongue -- that’s icky).
To try and be friendlier to girls even though they all hate me and envy me because my pussy tastes better than an everything bagel and I am the most talented young woman of letters since Ann Frank.
To get the A&F jegging in green and in red.
To set aside a couple of minutes at the finale of each day to sit and reflect and ask myself, “Molly Wally Polly, is there any opportunity that you might of missed today that would’ve lead to you being blissfully ravished by 15 black studs with pulsing horse cocks?”
Last night, Molly Wally Polly watched Heathers.
To not masturbate on my mommy’s bed to get even with her when she prepares my Campbell’s Cream of Potato soup with a cup of water instead of a cup of whole milk.
To not hide my sibling’s tampons when she comes home and eats my box of Annie’s Classic Mac and Cheese.
To treat my heinie gentler and not subject it to immoderate wipings based on the off chance that the Janjaweed will invade my all-white suburban enclave and gang rape me.
To not slit my wrist when mommy forgets to buy the loaf of Italian bread that I asked her to.
To kiss pop superstar Jason Derulo on the mouth (but no tongue -- that’s icky).
To try and be friendlier to girls even though they all hate me and envy me because my pussy tastes better than an everything bagel and I am the most talented young woman of letters since Ann Frank.
To get the A&F jegging in green and in red.
To set aside a couple of minutes at the finale of each day to sit and reflect and ask myself, “Molly Wally Polly, is there any opportunity that you might of missed today that would’ve lead to you being blissfully ravished by 15 black studs with pulsing horse cocks?”
Last night, Molly Wally Polly watched Heathers.
Exclusive Interview With Frank Hiton
Frank and I met in an intimate, little cafe on a Sundayish Sunday morning, tired weighing down our eyes like a fire blanket.
She said, "I'd like a coffee, please. Black as night."
I said, "that'll be two seventy-five."
She paid, took her coffee, then wrote veraciously on our macbook for hours.
Then, twelve years later, I interviewed her on facebook:
Thanks, Frank!
She said, "I'd like a coffee, please. Black as night."
I said, "that'll be two seventy-five."
She paid, took her coffee, then wrote veraciously on our macbook for hours.
Then, twelve years later, I interviewed her on facebook:
Thanks, Frank!
I Must Provide for My Family by Ralph Walldough
Because I believe I must
provide for my family
I buy food at “Chili’s To Go” and
carry it onto the airplane
As it taxis on the runway
my beautiful little daughter
lifts a flaccid strip of cheesed chicken
in the pale light, and bites it
The clouds over Milwaukee
below us are blackish-purple
In the medium distance
Jesus Christ, in female form,
hovers with glowing hands
Bolts rain downward
in all directions
Jesus Christ electrocutes
every human in the United States
The pungent smoke from our bodies
floats over the oil
sands of Saskatchewan
The plane stays aloft, miraculously
my ghost drifts along the aisle
Because a ghost can only sense
a living human and not a ghost
my ghost is alone
It tries to direct the plane
to the North
to no avail
When it crashes
my ghost remains
near the wreckage
Passing its frilly hand
over the crispy remains.
Faceborg
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my very important story
by Nannerz Hildebrandt
oh, that's right, my important true story, i almost forgot to tell you guys. it's about how i got shat out of a massive bird. it's very important. and all true.
so one time i was questing my way up a naturally-formed spire when i noticed, there at its cartoon apex, a very large egg. the egg had a particular, peculiar tint, like almost a type of shimmer you'd call "serpentine," and i realized it would go perfectly with the pop-surrealism painting i have above my fireplace at home.
i am pretty sure the painting is a todd schorr, but i can never keep those assholes straight. all i know is, i can't afford murakami. you know, with all the smiling daisies? that's murakami. no, the OTHER murakami. oh, well, that's ok; he was really "in" a few years ago, just so you know. anyway, this oversized egg had just the right touch of "whimsy" my living room needs. hmm. if i could just somehow fix a large glass plate atop the egg i'd finally have a size-appropriate end-table, i reasoned blithely.
so i was thinking about what types of coasters i should buy for my new end-table, but i was also trying to figure out how to hoist the egg back home. i really needed this egg. and i had JUST constructed a complicated machine, an entire system of levers and pulleys made up of a hundred little moving parts, all using naught but stones and ropes and twigs, when i suddenly heard this "caw caw, caw caw" overhead. that was when i first noticed i was actually standing in a large birdnest, which inexplicably i had heretofore not acknowledged.
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